Fuckasses and Finals
by DaveStriderFuckedKarkatWithAJ
Summary: HI THIS IS MY SH- nope! Karkat NO! Sorry, Um yeah this is Karkats story of how he sorta got into a relationship with his roommate, who he fucked hard. DONT TELL THEM THAT! Whoops! Just did! ;) Anyways...yeah. Rated T for swearing, Humor/Romance bc this is gonna have a shitload of funny in it. ITS ACTUALLY LAME. GOD DAMMIT KARKAT DONT INTERUPPT ME! Okay thats all. NO WAAA-
1. Starting Out

_**EEP! College AU. LOL! XD! ((warning: Writer vs Karkat once in awhile))**_

* * *

Your name is Ka-

**WAIT A FUCKING SECOND HOLD UP!  
What? I'm introdu-  
NO! I AM TELLING THE STORY! NOT YOU! FUCK OFF!  
Bu-  
NO!  
God dammit Vantas, you're the shittiest troll ever.  
OH YOU WANT ME!  
Gross. (Not really *heart heart heart* EEEEP!)  
WHATEVER! I'M TAKING OVER THIS SHIT!**

I'm Karkat Vantas, and this is the story of how I went from being a normal college student to being fucked by a do-

**Hey, this is awful.  
FUCK. YOU.  
Re-write this now!  
NO!  
I'll do it then.  
WHAT!?  
As you though.  
OH. THANKS THEN.**

I'm Karkat Vantas, and this is the story of how I went from being a normal college douchebag to actually dating the college douchebag.

It all started while I was looking for a roommate. I had a good life, I had a slight black/red girlfriend, I had an okay paying job that I hated, and I had gotten accepted into the college of my dreams. All I needed was a place. Evidently I didn't have enough money to live on my own, or actually pay for myself and a roommate living with me. I guess you could say that I had to live with someone who's been taking care of a place and wanting to have a roommate in the area close to my college.

I had about given up when I found something. A guy by the name of D. Strider had an apartment walking distance from the college I'd be going to and he had an extra room open to anyone wanting to move in. I immediately got to work.

* * *

After a week and a half I finally got to meet the guy. He seemed nice, always wore shades though. The place was cool and the room I would be living in was pretty nice. It was the place. I could stand it long enough to live through in between classes and sleep. Hopefully I can actually stand it instead of hating the ever-loving shit out of it.

* * *

_**This was short, but yeah. Karkat and Dave are gonna learn a whole lot. XD! **_

_**Also: I made another Davekat story. I actually have two now. The first one's Heroic Hipsters and the other one is the sequel to that; Painful Pleasures.**_

_**ANOTHER NOTE: This sorta doesn't start off Davekat (Unless you count Kismeisisitude and not Matespriteship) Because it starts off with Karkat dating...someone else. NOT TELLIN YA WHO YET!**_

_**Buuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuut I will give you a hint: Its one of the trolls and shes a girl.**_


	2. Settling In

**OH MY GOD REALLY!? THIS HAS GOT TO BE THE SHITTIEST THING IVE EVER SEEN. HONESTLY THIS WORK IS SHITTY!**

**Oh my GOD! Why can't you shut the fuck up fuckass?**

**BECAUSE I DONT WANT TO THATS WHY. YOUR A BITCH.**

***You're**

**DONT MAKE FUN OF MY GRAMMAR!**

**Whatever, lets make the second chapter of this bitch.**

* * *

Its been a month since I moved in and I already dread it. Mostly since he has another roommate and well, I'm not sure if he is actually in his room fucking someone or if he watches porn. Honestly I try not to get to know him. All I know is that his name is Dirk and he's real tight with Dave, the guy I guess I have to room with since Dirk 'supposedly' moved back in and doesn't want to make things awkward. The chill thing is that since they live in a tiny apartment that they both have bunk beds. I'm still moving my stuff into Dave's room. Dave tries to go in there whenever Dirk's not in there and retrieve it for me, but I'm starting he's doing it to put shit in Dirks room. I think I'm gonna go in there.

**OH WOW, YOURE GONNA PUT THAT IN THERE!? YES I USED YOURE INSTEAD OF YOUR.**

**Can we just GET ON WITH THE STORY!?**

**JEGUS FINE!**

I ran into mine and Dave's room in a hurry. I only got one of my two suitcases. He looked up from his phone and smiled his coy smile. "Did you like what you saw? Your face is red." "No, in fact I DIDN'T like what I saw. In fact I don't think I can ever NOT UNSEE THAT!" I sat on the floor, soon laying on it. He was chuckling. "How much did you see. Over, under, what?" I really didn't want to talk about it. "Under. Slightly." He starts to laugh, but tries to restrain. "I fucking hate you." "Yeah whatever." I lift my head up, hes turned on his bed, trying not to laugh into his pillow. I wanted to fucking kill him. But I didn't. Just then, my phone which was on my bed started ringing. He grabbed it instantly and asked "Who's Tez Baby?" I got up to retrieve the phone. "No one okay!?" He instantly answered it, making sure I'm away with his other hand.

"Hello." I heard an answer on the other side. "Uh, h1. Who's th1s?" "Its the only guy you don't know. But you'll know soon." I got so mad. REALLY!? "Ok4y? But c4n 1 just t4lk to my bo1fr13nd?" He looked at me and tried, as in failing, to not laugh. I snatched the phone away from him as he fell on the floor, laughing and sobbing. "Sorry about that, I really hate roommates." "W3ll, who c4r3s? H3 s33ms 4 b1t n1c3. 4t l34st try to g3t to know h1m." "I'm trying Terezi, trust me." He's still laughing. "Look Terezi, I gotta go. I'll call you later." I instantly hung up and kicked Dave, who was still laughing. "Do you really find that fucking funny?" He sat up, still laughing, trying to calm down. "I'm sorry...I just- HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" I rolled my eyes and sat next to him. "I think she might break up with me." He finally calmed down and was silent. "I feel ya." I looked at him as he put a hand on my shoulder. Just then Dirk walked in wearing a shirt and boxers. "Hey dude I'm sorry i-" we looked at him, oddly enough I think he got the impression that we were having a moment. "...okay I'm just gonna go kick my boyfriend out and leave you two alone." He closed the door. "What the fuck was that about?" "I don't know, but he normally is like that. Which is why _I_ usually go in there instead of _you_." I rolled my eyes again, I didn't fucking care, I just wanted to finish college and fucking leave.

* * *

**YEP! IM DATING THE WEIRDO BLIND GIRL!  
Hey, Terezi isn't THAT BAD! She and you are just like the HUGEST NOTP FOR ME!  
SHUT UP! JUST BECAUSE YOU SEEM TO THINK THAT ME AND HER CANT B-  
No, YOoOoOoOoOoOU shut up!  
GOD I HATE YOU SO MUCH!  
Whatever, you want me.**


	3. Awkward Romcom Moment

**NO! YOU ARE NOT WRITING THIS!**

**But I am.**

**NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO!**

**Kar-**

**NOPE NOPE NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NOPETY NOPE NOPE NOPE!**

**KARKAT ALEX VANTAS! **

**WHAT!?**

**Shut. UP!**

* * *

I'm in the middle of writing an essay, soon my phone goes off. Its Terezi. She texted me. 'H3Y, SORRY 1F 1 4M 1NT3RRUPT1NG 4NYTH1NG, BUT 1M BR34K1NG UP W1TH YOU. 1 JUST DONT L1K3 YOU L1K3 TH4T 4NYMOR3. SORRY.' 'ITS OKAY TEREZI. I UNDERSTAND. I ACTUALLY FIGURED YOU WERE GONNA BREAK UP WITH ME ANYWAYS.' 'OK4Y. W3LL, TH4NKS FOR M4K1NG 1T 34S13R FOR M3.' 'NO PROBLEM. NOW, I GOTTA WRITE THIS ESSAY. OKAY?' 'OK4Y. SO 4R3 W3 ST1LL FR13NDS OR NO?' 'NO WERE STILL FRIENDS. OKAY. AGAIN. G2G. ESSAY.' 'SORRY. BY3.' 'BYE.'

"Wow dude, break up by text. Ouch." I turn around fast. It's Dave. "God dammit Dave! I'm writing an essay!" "I know, can't I just cut in to see whats up?" "Why do you even care anyways?" He sighed and said softly "I actually lost the girl I loved because I screwed up." I leaned back, I was officially interested. "Tell me about that Dave. How did you lose her?" He sighed, this was going to be an interesting story.

"Okay, so it all started when I got a message. It said 'Hi I'm Jade.' Long story short we started dating and to me, she was the world. Sadly, She decided that I wasn't good enough for her, so she texted me, starting to blow off our dates. I didn't know what it meant at the time, but after awhile she stopped answering my texts and calls. Finally she ran into me on the street and broke up with me, soon turning around and just leaving. I never saw her again." I could literally feel the sadness. "Ooh. That must have hurt." He nodded. "Yeah, and the worse thing was that she just dropped out of my life like it was nothing." I held my arms out and said "Come here." "Dude." "Come on, you deserve it." He sighed and hugged me. I didn't really like him too much, but there is no way in hell that a bro wouldn't hug it out for a bro. Especially if we both dealt with bad break ups.

But, I sorta felt a bit off about it. I don't know why, but all this time in the past month and a half of living with him I'm just so used to him. I wonder if I actually- no. I can't. I just broke up with my girlfriend. Well, EX girlfriend. But, how could it be that I feel like I got some sort of feelings for him. Also, do even actually have some sort of feeling for him? I still have yet to answer that. But I'll just save it for later.


	4. Mistake Kiss

**NONONONONONONONONONO!**

**Come on Kar-**

**NONONONONONONONONONO!**

**Calm down.**

* * *

I was still asleep. I sleep on the top bunk so I really didn't like being woken up, especially since if I woke up I would fall six feet to the ground. Apparently Dave didn't think that through and decided to wake me up.

"Karkat? Dude, its ten. KARKAT!" I woke up and literally had a freak attack and fell on the floor...on top of him. And my face was right on his. As in lips.

"Yo Dave, we're out o-" Dirk walked in. I was on top of Dave, and apparently we were kissing. "Okay...I'm just gonna go..." He closed the door, I was in complete shock. "..." I was literally speechless. I honestly didn't want to stay in there. So I got up and sorta just walked out. Well, I almost did.

"Holy shit Karkles, you're a good kisser." I stopped in my tracks, almost at the door. "Can you just..." I sighed before finishing. "Can you not?" I finally walked out, not looking at him.

I swear I was blushing.

* * *

I was asleep on the couch, I fall asleep there sometimes. I had just gotten back from class, god it was hard. I hate this stupid human 'college' shit. Anyways, I soon woke up with this feeling something was on me. So I turn my head and its Dave, who is asleep. So I try to take his shades and he grabs my hand!

"Don't." "Don't...what?" "Don't touch the shades." I was ready to punch him. "I'll touch them if I want." There goes my other hand, he grabs that one too. "Nope." So I reach up to grab them with my mouth and he looks at me and we kiss. Again! This time I sorta...enjoyed it.

His grip on my wrists loosened and his hand caressed my face, my eyes shut completely as his fingertips touched my cheek. I swear only milliseconds had passed before he pulled away from me and left. I just layed there stunned.

In a simpler term of the Tumblr fanboy/fangirl station, my Kokoro was going Doki Doki.

In my native way, I was flushed for the insufferable prick.

I. Had. A. Flush. Crush. On. My. Room. Mate.

Well shit.

* * *

**WHY DID YOU PUT ALL THAT!?**

**Because I can. I'm telling the story in your view.**

**FUCK. YOU.**

**Shut up. **


	5. Movie Night (sorry 4 no upd8)

**This. Is. War.**

**REALLY AUTHOR? REALLY?**

**Fuck off.**

* * *

It was movie night. Luckily I never liked to choose the movies or be called gay. Mostly because I always pick romcoms. Apparently this movie night, it was MY TURN TO PICK THE MOTHER_FUCKING _MOVIE! I wasn't up to it at all. I didn't want to pick the movie. All the movies I pick are ROMCOMS DUH! I didn't want to pick something fucking lame like that! So, I tried to decline. Which failed miserably.

"Come on Karkat, its just two hours sitting on a couch." "NO." "Dude, seriously, just pick a movie and we will play it." "I said NO Dave." "Dude, stop with the PMS shit, just pick a damn movie."

I feel like Dirk got tired of waiting for a movie and left, because I didn't feel like anyone was gonna stop our argument.

"IM NOT PICKING OUT A FUCKING MOVIE!" "IN ALL THE TIME YOU'VE BEEN HERE YOU HAVEN'T! ITS YOUR TURN!" "WHY DO *I* HAVE TO PICK A FUCKING MOVIE?!" "ITS. YOUR. FUCKING. TURN. VANTAS." "YEAH! WELL FUCK MY TURN!" "NO." "YES" "NO" "YES" "NO" "YES" "NO"

This repeated for about twelve minutes...and I have no idea WHAT happened. Well, except this:

"You know, if you DIDN'T want to watch a fucking movie, then WHY dont you just leave?" "No, I WANT to watch a movie. I just dont WANT to PICK ONE OUT." "Well, you HAVE TO." "And if I DONT pick out a movie?" "I'll..." "You'll what?"

He leaned closer to me and stared into my eyes before pressing his lips on mine. We were stuck in that position for about an hour or so, pulling away every few minutes to breathe. I was the one to stop and try to push him away.

"Strider, will you get off me?" My voice sounded really weak and breathy, although I felt a bit weird about this situation.

"No. Im not getting off you. Until you pick a movie." "Are we STILL of that shit?" "Yes. We are." "Look, if I just pick ONE MOVIE will you shut the fuck up?" "Yes." "Okay."

I finally just chose some shitty action movie that I _KNEW _was gonna be boring. Although I couldn't fucking concentrate. I was thinking. If Strider is just my friend, and if hes NOT into me, and lets face it we both sorta hate each other, then WHY did I like the kiss? Every kiss we've had, the one where he knocked me down, the small couch makeouts, HOW DO I LIKE THEM!? Is it that I have this weird thing for liking to be kissed...or do I like him?

"Karkat." "What?" "The movies been over for ten minutes. We should go to bed." "Oh."

I stayed up all night thinking this over. Im scared. Do I like him? Or do I not? I guess I had to find out.

* * *

**CLIFFHANGER. SWEET.**

**Look, I haven't updated in awhile. God dammit.**

**OKAY. GET FUCKING ANGRY. GOD.**


	6. Love or Crush (im a fucking asshole)

**FUCK THIS IS NOT HAPPENING. NO NO NO.  
No, its gonna happen.  
NOOO!  
Whoops! its been started.  
GOD. DAMMIT. YOU LITTLE FUCKASS.**

* * *

Love? What the fuck? Like, literally what the FUCK is wrong with me!? Strider? Ha! Like I even care about him platonically! Okay so maybe the sound of his voice is SLIGHTLY charming with how its so smooth with that slight hint of Texan that he sometimes uses when he wants something, usually when hes flirting with girls since we've been out drinking twice. And how he wakes up with slightly messy hair and that goofy smirk, and how he sometimes is in our room alone practicing with his sword shirtless and showing off his fucking abs and that small tattoo of a scratched disk on his right shoulder...

but I don't love him. HA! Like I would fucking LOVE ANYO-...

OKAY MAYBE ITS A SMALL CRUSH BUT ITS NOTHING!

...maybe.

* * *

**OH. MY. GOD. YOU ARE SHITTING ME.  
****You. Actually. Acted. Like. This. To. Me.  
NO I DIDNT.  
Yes you did.  
NO.  
Yes.  
NO.  
Yes.  
FUCK OFF!**

* * *

So I was talking with Dave...and oh my god.

"So Karks, Ive been thinking for awhile, and I was thinking that maybe I should start dating again." "Oh, so that 'absent-minding flirting' you normally do was practice or was it to try to get in girls' pants?" "Will you shut up man? I'm just gonna WHOOSH!" He slapped his hands together and made a forward movement with his right hand "Right back in the race like a fucking car coming from the pit stop."

I wanted to fucking make him shut the fuck up.

"Really? Well I have to say that you are a fucking idiot." "Who fucking cares? Im gonna date some chicks, hang with them, probably make you bunk with Dirk while I get it ON!"

I wanted to fucking shut him up with mouth contact.

"Why the fuck would you bring them HERE? They don't like to see that the place they'll hook up with a tool at is a fucking man-cave." "Yeah, like a pussy like you makes this a fucking man-cave."

I wanted to fucking shut him up with my mouth.

"Im NOT a fucking pussy you shit-headed nook whiff!" "Yes you are. What are ya gonna do Vantas?"

I shut him the fuck up with my mouth. Right on his. Passionately. Then I slapped him and locked myself in our room. I feel like this huge fucking idiot can I just not do anything ever again?

Sadly, he knows how to pick locks, but luckily I was just laying in my bed. Under my blankets. Sadly I had just pulled my blankets down to his bed and hid in there smelling his blankets and semi-sobbing, semi-fan squealing into my pillow...no it was his pillow. I left mine on my bed. I felt some weight sit next to me. Then lay next to me. Soon he was under the blankets with me, and I heard some plastic clacking as I saw in the dark his shades moving in front of me.

"Hey," he whispered, "you don't just fucking kiss and run away without a return policy." Okay that fucking statement confused me, so I turned slightly to question it and...

HIS FUCKING EYES! HOLY FUCKING SHIT! They were a hugely crimson color that it lessened my own red-grey eyes. As in my eyes went dilated. As in my pupils went as big as a fucking high persons would, like god damn.

"Uhm...y-y-your...uh..." I was just being a fucking dumbass and just kept opening and closing my mouth like a fucking dieing fish. He rolled his eyes, and HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOLLY SHIIIIIIIIIIIT! Can he just STOP BEING JUST...GAH!

"Yeah, they're fucking red. Who cares really? They're fucking freaky. Dirks somewhat in the same god damn boat. Except he can pass his eyes off for being really light brown. God damned orange eyes." I was confused, why would he hate his eyes and envy his brothers?

"They're not freaky." "Yeah they are." "No they aren't, Dave, they aren't freaky." "Then they're what? Strange? Weird? Ugly? What?" His red eyes started to get moist, oh god no don't fucking cry.

"No they're...I just..."

I couldn't say anything.

"They're what? You just what?"

But I did anyways.

"Dave, your eyes are beautiful. You're beautiful. I just can't help it, you're fucking PERFECT. I can't even fucking deal with how perfect you are. With your muscles and your tallness and your mystery and how you sometimes get that Texan accent in your voice and I just..." I had tears in my eyes and falling, I just couldn't stop talking.

"You just what?"

I couldn't fucking do it. I was too big of a pansy. And I knew he wasn't gay.

"N-Nevermind."

It was official.

I, Karkat Vantas, was in love with a huge toolbox.

* * *

**IM GONNA GO DIE NOW. BYE.  
This is adorable. You spilled your heart.  
YOU MADE ME LOOK LIKE A FUCKING CRYBABY!  
You aren't though. Its okay!SHUT UP!  
**

**(SORRY FOR NOT UPDATING IVE JUST BEEN! GAH! WRITERS BLOCK OVERLOAD! SCHOOL! SUMMER! WEDDING! CONCERTS! TOO MUCH BUSY! FUCKING SHIT SO GAHHHH! JUST ACCEPT THIS FUCKING DRABBLE!)**


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